For many moons I have been a trusty and true viewing companion – faithfully watching as you shed your magnificent light on the worlds great challenges.
At first I was wooed by your classic handsomeness and fierce conservative politics but over time it was your demure charm and quiet self-confidence that drew me in night after night.
So naturally when I noticed “Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream” ice cream the container made its way into my shopping cart. Never mind that Ben & Jerry are granola socialists. After all, if you, Stephen Colbert, can let them print your name and likeness on their product I can certainly give it a little taste.
I have read the list of ingredients thoroughly but surely one vital component of this recipe has been omitted – heroin.
Since my first little spoonful I’ve not been able to shake the desire for more. In fact, my loving wife had to physically wrest the container away from me and forcibly remove the spoon from my frozen and drooling mouth.
Do you seek to destroy me with your icy-sweet caramel kryptonite? I am weakened and brought to my knees by your Americone Dream.
Alas, it is my nightmare.
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."